As an AuDHDer, my life is often consumed by the interest-of-the-month; whatever phase of my life I’m in, that becomes my whole identity. I get enveloped in it and pursue it with such unrestrained passion it’s genuinely impressive. Then… a week or two pass, life has been rough, you lose interest and eventually it becomes another abandoned project on the mountain of unfinished passions you’ve left in your wake. By the time we inevitably return to these projects, that spark has faded and must be re-cultivated. It can be overwhelming existing in the shadow of what your past self has created. Are you still that same person, or a shell of your former self? Have you regressed, are you enough?
I find myself pondering this returning to my website. Hello all! I’ve been away for a year, and shut down this website to save money. In the interim, I’ve mostly been swamped with my job, focusing on that and enjoying other hobbies to recover. Basically, I’ve been in survival mode for a while. Returning to see my beautiful site is bittersweet: I feel happy and at home being back on this wonderful place, but also a sense of imposter syndrome. When I made this site, I was on ADHD meds: which unfortunately I had to discontinue due to medical concerns. I was in a completely different phase of my life. Am I even the same Juniper that made this 1 year ago?
The truth is, our productive output has no bearing on our self-worth. I have been spending my free time disconnected, enjoying games and life with my partner and cats. I have been making video game box art for my entire digital library, and just because I haven’t written a blog post on it yet doesn’t make it less of a valuable experience to me. It’s important in life to do things for your own intrinsic desires. I have spent my free time in a way I have enjoyed.
I also recognize that a big block towards spending more time on my creative outlets such as this website is my job. I work a standard 9-5 with overtime. After the day is done, I just want to relax and recover before tomorrow. Eventually, I will have more mental space to pursue these creative endeavors.
Our lives aren’t linear and are fundamentally incomparable to others and to past versions of ourselves due to the environments and situations we are exposed to. Simply put, I’m in a life phase that necessitates prioritizing professional work over creative pursuits. That does not mean I’ve lost my ability to create as I have prior. Case in point, I’m showing up for myself by rebooting this website and writing out a batch of blog posts (along with a few css styling updates ;D). I firmly believe, as long as we prioritize our physical health, we can always recover withered parts of ourselves with enough intentional effort. I am still the same person who made this site 1 year ago, I’ve simply had to adapt to working in a tiring career I’m not necessarily ecstatic about. You have that within you too. Life gets busy and tough with increased responsibilities: it’s easy for passions to fall away. Just know that you didn’t lose that part of you, and when the spark and circumstances realign, you can always return to it.
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